On the one hand, a divorce can negatively affect a child's emotional development. On the other hand, an unhappy contentious marriage may have the same affect on a child. Preparing the child for divorce is an important parenting issue because divorces can have a profound affect on children. The child's emotional well-being depends greatly on how the parents handle their divorce. We have a few suggestions for those couples contemplating divorce, to help ease their children's transition into the new family relationship.
TIP #1 -- Parents need to create conditions that enhance the child's ability to deflect the negative effects of divorce while promoting child growth and development.
TIP #2 -- Look at life through your child's eyes. Try to understand the child's perspective of what divorce represents.
TIP #3 -- Provide frequent reassurances that neither parent will leave the child and both parents will continue to love the child. Look for messages in your child's behavior because children communicate through actions as often as with words. The child may be frightened that he or she will be abandoned and compensate by being exceedingly complaisant. The child may just as easily be combative or disobedient to prove that the parents do love the child no matter how badly the child behaves. When parents divorce, children worry about whether they will continue to be loved so it is very important for both parents to display their love for the child by words and acts.
TIP #4 -- If may be very helpful to explain that a parent's love for a child doesn't go away with a divorce. That the parents' love for the child only grows and strengthens, no matter what happened between the parents. Many children need to understand that the love parents have for their children is permanent and different in many important ways from the love the parents shared for each other.
TIP #5 -- The parents need to take care of their own emotional well-being, too, which may include counseling or therapy. Children learn by experience and observation. When parents go through a divorce, they often carry a very heavy emotional burden, evidenced by short-temperedness, over-reactions, depression, anxiety, mental distractions, and any combination thereof. A parent's distracted behavior may be interpreted (or misinterpreted) by the child and can lead to feelings of abandonment, of being unwanted and unloved. When the parents take care of their own emotional wellness and physical health, they serve the best interests of their children.
TIP #6 -- When moving out of the marital home, minimize the stress as much as possible for the child. There is nothing extraordinary about finding a new place to live when a divorce is imminent or pending. To the young child particularly, the move may increase feelings of separation from the other custodial parent. Relocation out of the geographic area that the child is familiar with, however, can result in great anxiety for the child -- the whole world has changed. When possible, parents should consider maintaining residences in the same geographic area for the child's well-being.
TIP #7 -- Give the child the time he or she needs to adjust and assimilate the many changes in the living arrangements and lifestyle. Children can be very resilient, but they do need time to adapt to changed circumstances. They will adjust more readily if they feel in control. If they are overwhelmed by all the changes they face, then they may develop unhealthy ways to protect themselves in an effort to avoid more hurt and fear.
TIP #8 -- Be very cautious about integrating the child into a ready-made new family. Children that must accommodate their parent's significant others and new step-siblings within the first year or two after the divorce are forced to deal with very complex situations. Such complexity may put your children at higher risk for problems in emotional development.
TIP #9 -- Communicate to the child that he or she is not at fault for the parents' break-up. Children worry that they are the reason for their parents' divorce. Parents need to counter that misconception from the very start. Affirm that the child didn't cause the divorce in the first conversation about the divorce. Reaffirm that fact in subsequent conversations with the child about the divorce. Young children are often worried that they did, said, or thought something bad which caused the bad result and, therefore, the divorce is their fault. Sometimes children have challenging moments and can put a strain on a marriage, even causing significant disharmony between the parents at times -- the child who is aware of this may be self-blaming as a result.
TIP #10 -- Whenever the child is present, the parents should show each other respect, be caring of each other, and value each other as parents. If every discussion between the parents over the child ends antagonistically, then the child may believe he or she is at the heart of the parents' problems.
TIP #11 -- Value your continuing relationship with your child, and value the other parent's continuing relationship with your child. Children should idealize both parents as a part of normal child development. Parents are first understood to be wise and powerful. As the child matures, he or she gradually observes the parents as humans with flaws, limitations, and idiosyncrasies. When one parent belittles or alienates the other parent, the child may be conflicted and feel guilty or disloyal, or may have difficulty idealizing the denigrated parent.
TIP #12 -- Always work as a parenting team for the benefit of your children. Put the best interests of your children first because, during the divorce, they will be dealing with their own feelings of anxiety, confusion, anger, disappointment, frustration, guilt, and fearfulness. When the parents stay focused on the needs of their children, the children learn very important life-lessons about commitment, about love, and about overcoming obstacles when times are difficult.
Every divorce involving children will have unique challenges for the parents. You may be involved in a divorce case where access to your child is likely to be a major issue. You may have questions about your parenting rights or visitation. Or you may be the primary custodial parent and have concerns about the other parent's ability to meet his or her responsibilities. When you need solutions to issues concerning your children, contact a knowledgeable and experienced family law attorney at the Law Offices of Scott David Stewart.
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